San Diego EMDR therapy

The Perpetrator Next Door

Don’t walk alone at night.  Hold your keys between your fingers for protection.  Stay in well lit areas.  These are just some of the lessons I remember learning at a young age.  Doing these things were supposed to keep us safe from being attacked, from being sexually assaulted, from being raped.  Back then I thought that rapists were scary people that jumped out from bushes at night to attack.  

In reality, the numbers of rapes when the perpetrator is a stranger are the minority. 

8 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim

The majority of children and teen victims know the perpetrator.

Of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 93% of juvenile victims knew the perpetrator:

  • 59% were acquaintances

  • 34% were family members

  • 7%  were strangers to the victim

For these and more statistics see RAINN.

There are terms like “date rape” and “acquaintance rape.”  Part of me thinks that these terms water-down and minimize the crime.  Part of me wonders if the intent of these terms were to illustrate that these crimes could be committed by people we know. But why come up with another term?  Rape is rape.  Rape is a crime.  

Rape and sexual assault impact a person mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, behaviorally, and spiritually.  When this crime is committed by someone known to the survivor there may be additional layers of confusion and struggle.  I’ve heard some say that if it was that stranger in the bushes, it would almost be “easier” (it’s never easy) because you could avoid the person, there wouldn’t be common friends, and more.  It’s almost like we think when the rape or sexual assault is committed by a stranger it’s more “clearcut” (for lack of a better word).

Some of the fears and thoughts of self doubt a survivor may have include:

  • I thought I could trust this person.  Did I do something to mislead them?

  • What does this mean about me and my ability to judge who to be friends with?

  • If I talk about this, am I going to lose friends? Will people believe me?

  • My body reacted like I enjoyed it. Maybe I really wanted it. Maybe I like this person.  

  • There must have been some kind of misunderstanding because this person wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, would they?  

  • And more… 

What if the perpetrator was someone that the survivor was in a relationship with, someone they continue a relationship with, or that they begin a relationship with after the fact?  This happens.  A partner may take things further than what was wanted.  Maybe it was the first time.  Maybe it was the 30th.  When a survivor continues a relationship with the perpetrator, it may leave friends and loved ones confused. 

Why would a survivor continue or begin a relationship with their abuser? Maybe the survivor is invested in the relationship and part of them finds a way to justify or rationalize what happens.  Maybe they fear people won’t believe them. Maybe a part of them is struggling with shame and having victim blaming thoughts. Maybe they fear that the consequences (ie social, financial, family, career…) of ending contact would be great. Maybe they hope new memories will outweigh the traumatic event.  Another reason may be related to the self blaming thoughts that can happen when the physical body reacts to sexual stimulation even when it’s unwanted.  Our body reacts to sexual stimulation and it is beyond our control.  What happened is still sexual assault and rape.  

The survivor should be empowered to make decisions about their healing process and this includes whether they have contact with the perpetrator. The survivor may want to avoid the person. They may want to take legal and/or judicial action (if the crime involved students on a campus). The survivor may want to do nothing or do nothing for now. They may want to have a conversation with the perpetrator in hopes of an apology or an explanation. Every survivor is different. Deciding what to do next is part of survivor taking back their control.

This Ted Talk tells one story.

The first time I watched this I had a wide variety of reactions.  There are some excellent points made.  There are some parts that I struggled with.  These events, these crimes, can be complex.  Maybe we know people on both sides of the story.  Different parts of us may be pulled in different directions at different times.  These crimes happen and they happen between people who know each other.  What happened is still sexual assault and rape.  

It would be nice to think we live in a world where if we did everything “right” we could be sure that nothing terrible would ever happen.  If we avoided that road at night, stuck together, and held those keys we would be safe.  Rape and sexual assault can happen at our friends’ homes, in dorm rooms, at the office, and in our own bedrooms.  They can happen at anytime of day and no matter what we are wearing. The perpetrator may be someone known.  When these crimes happen, the perpetrator takes a person’s control away.  The perpetrator is the one who is responsible.  It is still sexual assault and rape.

Things don’t have to stay this way. We can change the conversation about sexual assault and rape. We can support survivors when they share their story. Survivors can heal. We can have conversations about sexual consent beginning at a young age. We can provide sexual assault prevention education and bystander intervention trainings. The person next door could be the person that helps you in your time of need.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657. For more information, visit the RAINN website. Contact me to consult further on this topic or to schedule a therapy appointment.

You Are Not What Happened To You

“I feel like I’m damaged goods.”  This statement and other similar statements can come from people who have experienced trauma.  The trauma may have been a sexual assault or other crime, it may may have been a toxic relationship, it may have been a near death experience.  Why so often do survivors believe these events leave them forever damaged?

Trauma does change us.  Some of what it can impact includes how we think, the emotions that we feel, our behaviors, our physical response to stimulus, and more.  This is a normal response to an event that has shook our world. In time, many will return to their previous (or similar) way of functioning.  Some may do this naturally on their own and some find their way back with the support of others.  

There are people who hold the belief that what happened to them has left them “damaged.”  Trauma impacts our view of ourself and our place in the world.  It’s not uncommon to have thoughts like “I’m bad”, “This was my fault,” or “I have no control.” 

I think we like to believe that awful things can’t happen.  When something awful does happy we try to figure out why.  We want to know what we can do to make sure something awful never happens again to ourself or to loved ones.  We start to come up with reasons and justifications like “If only I had…” The amount of victim blaming that we hear in society, especially around sexual violence, further compounds the blame that we place on ourselves. 

Through the support of loved ones it is possible to begin changing the way we think about our trauma.  When someone says to us “it’s not your fault” and “I’m here for you” it goes a long way.  We no longer feel alone.  Their statements of support start to counter the self blame statements that are in our head.  The more we hear these statements of support the more we start to believe them.

Therapy can also help us to heal and to shift those negative thoughts about ourself.  EMDR therapy helps the brain to process an event.  Instead of having a negative thought about ourself we have a positive thought like “I’m good,” “It wasn’t my fault,” and “I have control.”  IFS therapy helps us to release the negative energy, thoughts, and emotions about an event.  Once that unburdening happens it invites us to take in other positive qualities like calm, confidence, connection, and courage. EMDR and IFS are two of the therapeutic approaches that can help individuals to heal from their past trauma.

Through support and therapy a person can reach a different understanding of the event(s) and the meaning can change.  It no longer defines the person.  It is part of their story but it’s a matter of pages and not the whole book. Experiencing trauma does not mean that a person is damaged. The person may change in some ways or their path may change. Life changes us in all sorts of ways.

“Yes I have been through awful things.  It wasn’t my fault though.  I’m strong.  I’m going to do amazing things.”  This type of statement and other similar statements have come from people that have worked through their trauma.  I have heard these statements from clients in my office.

Are you ready to start your healing journey? Contact me to make a therapy appointment.

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Year End Review

Have you ever made a New Year’s Resolution?  Have you ever seen it through?  Maybe some of you strong willed and determined people have.  However, some of us have likely made resolutions that have fallen to the the wayside by the end of January.  Then maybe we got down on ourself or made an excuse like “new year’s resolutions are stupid.” I’m proposing something different this year.  Do a year end review instead.

Get out your journal/computer/tablet/smartphone. It’s time to to reflect on the past year and to make a plan for next.

  1. What were your favorite moments of 2018?  Make a list of the things you enjoyed about this year.  This is when you can get nostalgic.  Maybe a trip you took, a memory with a loved one, or a book you enjoyed reading… list the good things that you want to remember.  

  2. What were your accomplishments?  When we make resolutions we are often focus on what we wish we could do differently.  I want you to take some time to recognize all the things that YOU DID DO.  Maybe you had a milestone in your personal life or your career, maybe you set a personal record of some kind, maybe you took a class… give yourself some darn credit!

  3. What were your challenges?  Now it’s time to acknowledge what you didn’t do so well.  Try not to be too hard on yourself.  We all have things to list here.  Life is about growth.  Try to see if there are any themes that may relate to something you want to work on.  

  4. Make a SMART Goal (or a few) for 2019:  One of the challenges about New Year’s Resolutions is that often we make grand goals with no plan on how to achieve them. Don’t make a resolution just because you think you should.  That’s how we set ourselves up to not seeing them through.  Use this graphic to help you format your goal(s).

This image was found on Pinterest. I love Pinterest. It says the graphic originally appeared in an article from ReignitingIt.

This image was found on Pinterest. I love Pinterest. It says the graphic originally appeared in an article from ReignitingIt.

Yes I know this may feel like a self evaluation you’d do for your employer.  When I worked in higher education, we had to set SMART goals for our performance reviews every year.  To be honest, I often dreaded that time of year.  Emotions were on high at the office.  Probably because we were being evaluated by other people and that they sometimes had a different perspective on what we did well and not so well.  Plus, it was tied to potential salary increases and money can bring up a lot.  What I’m asking you to do here is different from that type of review.  Here, you’re doing a self evaluation for your most important boss… You.

The goals you set for yourself and how you feel about yourself are most important.  Our relationship with ourself sets the groundwork for our other relationships.  Also, the only time we are going to change is if it’s change we are choosing for ourself.  That’s when the change has a chance to last.  

This year I’m asking you to sit down and really take a good look at the past year.  Acknowledge all that went well and what you want to improve.  Then make a plan.  If you really want to take it to the next level, take that review out in June to see what kind of progress you have made so far.  Adjust as needed.  Stop setting unrealistic New Year’s Resolutions.  This year, do a Year End Review instead. Then watch yourself grow. 

Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
— Natasha Beddingfield, Unwritten

From Stuck to Breakthroughs: EMDR for the Business Professional

Have you ever felt stuck in your profession? Something holds you back from having the confidence to taking things to the next level.  Maybe you are struggling to ask for that promotion or to make that sale.  Maybe you struggle with owning your professional identity or with taking on new projects.

The events and relationships throughout our life shape us into who we are today.  For better and worse.  

Have you heard of EMDR?  It’s an AMAZING form of therapy.  I have seen professionals go from feeling completely frozen in some aspect of their work to gaining clarity and confidence. 

Isn’t EMDR for trauma? Yes it is and that’s not all it can help with. 

Have you ever had any of these thoughts?  I’m not good enough.  I’m not smart enough.  I have to be perfect.  I cannot get what I want.  I cannot trust anyone.  I’m a failure.  I am not in control.  I do not deserve… 

We all have negative thoughts about ourselves from time to time.  Sometimes all the time.  These thoughts are contributing to us being stuck.  

Through the use of EMDR we can explore what events and relationships in your life may have led to these different negative thoughts.  Sometimes the connection is clear.  Sometimes it may surprise us.  Sometimes it’s a big event.  Sometimes it’s something small.  Sometimes those small things add up and impact us in a big way.  

After we identify what contributed to these negative thoughts, we use EMDR to process the event.  This will help to reduce the emotional response to the memory.  The thoughts we have about ourself when we think of the event will also change.

After EMDR therapy, you could have thoughts like these:  I am good enough.  I am smart enough.  I am good the way I am.  I am strong.  I can get what I want.  I can choose who to trust.  I can succeed.  I have control.  I deserve good things.  

When we shift our thoughts and our emotions, our behaviors change.  EMDR will help you to truly embody these beliefs.  EMDR helps you get unstuck so that you can be fully grounded in the present with confidence.  

Conquering your self doubts boosts internal confidence.  When you feel confident, you act confident.  People gravitate towards that energy.  They want to succeed with that person.  

You deserve that promotion.  You will make that sale.  You can take on that new project and do well.  You are a talented business person.  You can succeed.  And you will… 

Are you ready to see how EMDR can help you?  Contact me to make an appointment.  

When the News Is Triggering: Self Care for Survivors

It has been an especially rough few weeks in the news when it comes to the topic of sexual assault.  Several women have come forward accusing Supreme Court Nominee Kavanaugh of sexual assault.  There are the ignorant statements in response to this from other political leaders including President Trump (someone who has also been accused of sexual assault).  Then, there are the sexual abuse cases involving priests. Today, Bill Cosby was sentenced for 3-10 years for sexual assault. This was the sentence for the criminal case involving one of the women who came forward. For survivors of sexual assault and all those impacted by (and dedicated to preventing) these crimes - loved ones of survivors, advocates, educators, professional supports, and more - it can be both overwhelming and triggering to follow these events in the news.  

Some days, it feels like you can’t keep your eyes away from the headlines.  Then, even though you know you probably shouldn’t, you scroll down to the comments.  That’s when the blood really starts to boil (at least for me).  There is so much misinformation and a general lack of information out there regarding sexual violence and the impact of trauma on an individual. There’s so much victim blaming and minimization of these crimes.  Some survivors choose not to watch the news at all in effort to protect themselves from being triggered.  Some survivors may not be able to take their eyes off it.  Maybe it’s a way to desensitize. Maybe they’re trying to understand other people’s perspectives.  Maybe because they are looking for the comments of support from advocates and other survivors.  Maybe they are wanting to leave comments themselves.  However you are reacting to these events, it is important to practice self care. 

Tips for Self Care:

  1. Utilize Your Supports.  Reach out to friends and other survivors.  Reach out to local agencies and hotlines.  Talk to a therapist. Process your thoughts on these events and what it may be bringing up for you.  Know you are not alone.  

  2. Try Not to Personalize Comments. This can be VERY hard. Survivors may have a part of themselves that self blames or may have people in their lives that made statements that were victim blaming or judgmental.  When reading these comments it can fire up those negative thoughts. These people who are making ignorant comments do not know you.  They do not know your story.  They likely don’t even know facts on the stories they are commenting on.  Breathe.  Scream if it helps you.  Write a response if it helps.  See Tip 1 and talk to your support system. 

  3. Find Balance in Information You Take In.  In addition to the various news outlets, try to follow organizations that provide support to survivors.  These include RAINN, Victims Rights Law Center, YWCA, and local rape crisis centers.  They are also posting statements and articles in support of survivors.  They are sharing important educational information in efforts to make people better informed.  People are commenting words of support and compassion.  Take those statements in.  

  4. Sweat It Out.  Physical exercise is one of the best forms of self care.  It is especially important for survivors.  It helps you to get connected to your body.  It helps you to feel physically strong.  It can help to clear your mind.  Put on those sneakers and go for a run or take a class.  You will notice a difference. 

  5. Find Creative Outlets. Many people benefit from expressing their thoughts and emotions through art work, journaling, and music.  Maybe you create these works yourself or maybe you enjoy appreciating others creations. Find what inspires you. 

  6. Identify What You Need to Heal.  Healing isn’t always linear.  What you needed when you first began this journey may be different from what you need now.  Some find healing through sharing their story, some through a new form of therapy, some by taking legal action (i.e. with criminal or civil charges), some become advocates or educators, and much much more. What do you need to do for yourself at this time?  It’s ok to try something new.  How you heal may be different from others and that is ok.  Take care of you.  

  7. Know your limit.  There may be a point when you can no longer take in the news.  Maybe you need to take a break.  Maybe you need to walk away completely.  

  8. Know Times Are Changing.  The previous administration was committed to improving prevention education and decreasing sexual violence (Obama’s Title IX Guidance).  There are college campuses that provide bystander intervention and trainings on consent.  Military provides these trainings as well.  Some schools are starting these important conversations for youth at younger ages.  The #MeToo movement is strong.  People are coming forward with their stories.  People are passionate about preventing this violence from continuing, about bringing perpetrators to justice, and about supporting survivors. 


This week I found myself getting to a place of curiosity about and calmness towards the people who are making ignorant comments about sexual violence (between the moments of blood boiling).  I wonder what they may have experienced and what messages they have received about these types of crimes.  I reminded myself that it has not been that long that we have been talking more openly about these crimes and providing prevention education.  Many of these individuals making statements do not know how to define sexual assault, rape, or consent.  They haven’t learned about bystander intervention.  They do not know how trauma impacts an individual.  A lack of knowledge doesn’t excuse their ignorant and insensitive remarks. It does help me understand their perspective a bit more (I don’t agree, but I get where they’re coming from more). 

I wish someone would do a presentation for our elected officials so that they would have this information.  The Department of Justice’s Office of Violence Against Women comes to mind as a possible presenter because of the grant work I took part in on college campuses. Maybe then, politicians would have compassionate statements about those coming forward with their stories of sexual assault. Maybe then, they could make better informed decisions (for example, who has the values we want represented on the Supreme Court).  If these elected officials could at least experience the trainings that are now mandated on many college campuses and by military branches they would likely learn a lot and their perspective could shift. 

Who knows what headline we will see next and what statements will come from our political leaders.  Times are changing, not as quickly as I would like, but they are changing.  I encourage all survivors and people who care about this topic to take care of yourself.  These stories in the news will keep coming.  We all have an important role to play in how history is rewritten for survivors through our support, advocacy, and education.  I have hope that things will get better.   I hope that one day when I read an article about sexual assault accusations that the quotes from our leaders will consistently be a commitment to finding the truth and justice or a statement of compassion and in support of healing.  A movement has started. #MeToo 

If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657.