Cornell, LSU, and Sexual Violence on College Campuses

To All Survivors, I see you. I believe you. Your stories matter. Your feelings are valid. If you need to turn off the news and social media to take care of yourself, do it. If you want to be up to date on all the reports because that is what helps your system, that is ok too. So is everything in between. Call a loved one. Take a walk. Scream. Journal. Call a therapist. Binge your favorite show or book. Listen to music. Be creative. Get out into nature. Take a nap. Take care of yourself in the ways that work best for you. You’re not alone.

It’s been over a decade since I worked in higher education. Our campus was part of a grant from the DOJ Office of Violence Against Women Grant to Reduce Sexual Violence and other crimes. We had peer education groups, bystander intervention training, consent training, Take Back the Night, task forces with representatives from various departments all committed to preventing violence and supporting survivors. It was hopeful. It was empowering. These students now had the language, knowledge, and resources that many hadn’t before. We were making campuses safer,

Well this week’s news has proved that is not always the case. A college student at Cornell was raped by 7 boys for hours. There was a group chat of over 50 students who knew and did nothing to stop this crime. We learned those that perpetrated this crime faced little consequences. An essay? Really?! Also, a LSU football player aped a fellow student and admitted it. He also faced little consequences. He received a shorter than standard suspension which he appealed and he continues to play football.

WTF?!?!?!

Every women I know has experienced sexual violence or someone they are close to has. Every single women has experienced some kind of sexual harassment. Every. Single. One. Perpetrators are peers, dates, family members, community leaders, partners, and sometimes strangers. The assumption that these crimes are rare and perpetrators are strangers in dark alleys has been long since debunked. And these crimes haven’t stopped.

Teaching consent isn’t enough. Rape is about entitlement, power, control, and essentially seeing the other as an object there for the taking with no rights. There are plenty of people in power who are known predators but still became a judge, a police officer, a professional athlete, a president… But wait, don’t they say rape accusations ruin mens lives? There is plenty of evidence that this is rare.

The victim, the survivor, the woman (often but can be any gender) is the one whose life is forever changed. Their sense of safety and trust forever change because their body has experienced a home invasion. Yes with support they can work towards healing.

Women have been taught for years to hold their keys, use buddy systems, watch drinks, and more. Then when a crime happens they now have the responsibility of healing their trauma and deciding what if any steps they take towards getting some kind of justice. The justice system is often re-traumatizing. Survivors should be empowered and supported in making the best choice for them. The fact that it’s their responsibility to do whatever they can to prevent this crime and then if it does happen it is now their responsibility to heal, report, advocate for themselves, be a “perfect victim” etc… is total BS. This is exhausting! It’s not right.

All of this could have been avoided if that perpetrator just paid attention when learning about consent and applied it. It’s really not hard to not sexually assault someone. A few tips include ask and respect the answer, don’t drug anyone (alcohol included), and make sure the person can give consent (not impaired by substances, not being coerced or intimidated, etc). Why is this so hard for some?! Additionally, if you see your friend being a jerk trying to harm someone step in and stop it or get someone who can. Rape isn’t just about sex. Rape is about entitlement, power, control, and dehumanization of another person.

The Cause of Rape is Rapists.

That is who is responsible. That is where the consequences and punishment should fall.

There needs to be more systemic changes. Health education starting at a young age should include comprehensive sex education, more on consent, definitions of sexual assault and rape, bystander intervention, empathy & compassion training with how to support a friend, and support resources for if a crime does happen. Parents need to have these conversations. Schools need to have these conversations. Mentors from all areas (ie the arts, athletics, greek life) need to reinforce these messages. Every college campus should have sexual assault prevention programs, bystander intervention training, judicial advocates for survivors, and multidisciplinary task forces made up of various campus departments working together to stop these crimes from happening and supporting survivors when they do. When a crime is reported, it needs to be investigated and those responsible need real consequences. Expulsions not essays. It should have a lifelong impact on that person who committed the crime. It should impact where they can work and what power they can hold. We shouldn’t be electing them or appointing them as judges.

We all have an important part to play. You are either part of trying to make the world better, safer, and supporting survivors OR you are complacent and culpable of allowing sexual violence to continue.

If you are a survivor who is experiencing an increase in symptoms in response to hearing about these crimes in the news, support is available. As of today, I currently have 1-2 openings for new clients. If you need a help finding a therapist in San Diego reach out. If our availability doesn’t match, I’ll help you find a therapist. You deserve support.

Survivors, I believe you. It was not your fault.

If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). Contact the Crisis Text Line for free 24/7 support and crisis intervention by trained volunteers text HOME or HOLA to 741-741. If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657. Supporting Survivors of Sexual Violence is one of my passions. To schedule a consult or to inquire about availability for appointments, contact me.

Feature in SD Voyager

Thank you to SD Voyager for the opportunity to share about my business, my professional passions, and the experiences that have gotten me to this point. 😊

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Healing Conversations

“Too often trauma gets dismissed as just in our head, but the pain is real. We feel it in our muscles, our cells, our hearts, our heads. And while there’s no magic fix, no pill to make it disappear, we can ask for help. And we can tell our truth whenever we are ready.”

— Grey's Anatomy

How people respond when we share our stories of trauma can have a tremendous impact on our healing.  Last week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy was titled “Silent All These Years” and it did an amazing job addressing sexual and domestic violence.  It followed 3 main story lines which included providing support immediately after the crime, conversations that happen years later, and talking about consent.

When someone shares their experience of sexual assault, rape, or domestic violence, it may feel like opening up a wound, or it may feel like sharing a chapter from a book that happened long ago.  There can be a whole range of emotions depending on where the person is in their healing journey.  How it feels can also vary based on who they are sharing with and the context.  There is no right or wrong way to feel. 

It is up to a survivor to decide who to tell and when.  Again, there is no right or wrong way.  Some may reach out for help immediately to one, or to a few, or to many.  Some may not speak about it for years.  Some may share at one point and then never talk about it again.  For some, this may be a conversation that they come back to again one day in future relationships.  Some may find that it gets a little easier to share their story as time goes on.  For some, it may feel just as overwhelming as the first time.  There is no right or wrong way to feel.  There is no set timeline.

There is however, a right way to respond.  When someone shares their story, they are being vulnerable both with you and with themself.  When the person is met with compassion and support, it can contribute to greater healing.  When the person is met with doubt or victim blaming, those responses can be internalized.  One of the best responses is “It’s not your fault. I believe you.”

Towards the end of the Grey’s episode, we see a survivor being brought to surgery by her doctors.  When they enter the hallway, it is lined with women.  No words are needed.  The message is powerful.  We are here to support you.  

Scene from Grey’s Anatomy: Silent All These Years

It’s the showing up that matters the most.  It’s the compassion.  It’s the solidarity.  It’s someone saying, “It’s not your fault. I believe you.” It’s knowing that we are not alone. When we are met with those things, our strength grows. It is in those moments and in those conversations that healing is happening.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support, call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657. For more information, visit the RAINN website. Contact me to consult further on this topic or to schedule a therapy appointment.

Wanna Make Out?

I remember my first time.  There was a look exchanged, a smile… In my head I’m excitedly thinking, “Is this really going to happen?” Then there’s a kiss, a touch…and then IT’S HAPPENING. As I type this, Meatloaf’s song Paradise by the Dashboard Light is going through my head.  

What is consent? How do we know we have consent for sex?  It could look something like this….

That’s one of my favorite clips that we showed when teaching college students about consent back when I worked in higher education.  It’s hilarious and memorable.  That’s the point!  In reality consent doesn’t exactly happen like that.  I’ve never had a lawyer show up in the bedroom. But what stops us from having these conversations to be clear about what we are hoping to do and make sure that is also what our partner wants to do?  Maybe it’s because the sex education we had in school looked something like this… 

For some of us this may not be too far from the truth.  Why was it so often that the gym teacher also taught health?  What I remember the most from that class was the gym teacher showing us how to put a condom on a banana and learning about STDs.  As Coach Carr said if you have sex “you will get Chlamydia and die”.  To say that sex education was lacking a lot of key information is an understatement. 

Fast forward to college… I miss college.  The freedom. Living with your closest friends.  Studying things you are excited about.  The concerts, sports, activities, and the parties… My roommates and I had what we called “morning reflection.” We would gather in our living room and discuss what happened the previous night.  Sometimes those conversations would include who hooked up with whom.  Sometimes the stories were shared with excitement, but sometimes there was a different feeling, a yucky feeling.  I’m not talking about regret or instances of “beer goggles.”  We began to identify who was “shady” and who you had to be careful of because they might try to give you lots of alcohol and make a move. 

When I was in college (and it wasn’t THAT long ago), we didn’t have the language to talk about sexual assault.  It wasn’t until years later when I became a therapist and an educator that it clicked. That person wasn’t just “shady” they were a sexual predator.  That yucky feeling was because what happened was sexual assault or rape. 

These events, these crimes, don’t just happen on our school campuses or when we are a certain age.  They happen at social events or when we are out with friends or even in our own homes.  It’s usually not a creepy stranger that suddenly jumps out of the bushes or an ally to attack us.  That’s what I thought a rapist was when I was younger.  The reality is that often times it’s someone we know. 

Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted.

1 out of every 6 American women has been the victim of an attempted or completed rape in her lifetime.

Women ages 18-24 who are college students are 3 times more likely than women in general to experience sexual violence.  Females of the same age who are not enrolled in college are 4 times more likely

About 3% of American men – 1 in 33 – have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

21% of TGQN (transgender, genderqueer, nonconforming) college students have been sexually assaulted.

55% of sexual assaults occur at or near the victim’s home and 12% at or near a relative’s home.

7 out of 10 rapes are committed by someone known to the victim.

Of sexual abuse cases reported to law enforcement, 93% of juvenile victims knew the perpetrator – 59% were acquaintances, 34% were family members, 7% were strangers to the victim.

For these and more statistics see www.rainn.org

When I finally had the language to talk about sexual violence, I talked a lot.  Events from the past suddenly became clear and there was some relief in being able to clearly identify what had happen.  I loved working on a college campus that was taking a stance to prevent sexual violence on campus by having discussions about consent, bystander intervention, and how to support someone if they experience a sexual assault or rape.  When speaking with friends, I was shocked at how many others had experienced similar situations.  I would think to myself, “why don’t we talk about this more.” The answer is often because of the shame and victim blaming that can happen. 

We have all heard statements like – if you weren’t wearing that, if you didn’t drink, if you didn’t go to his apartment…. I think we try to make sense of events that don’t make sense.  We try to think of what could be done to prevent ourselves from ever being the victim of sexual violence.  We want to be in control.  The reality of sexual violence is that someone has taken away our control and our power.  We should be able to run around stark naked with a drink in hand and not have to worry about being sexually violated.  We would probably get arrested for public nudity and public intoxication.  BUT we should not have to worry about being raped.  

After the sexual misconduct story involving Aziz Ansari appeared in the news, one of my college roommates sent me a text asking what I thought.  She said she liked him as an actor/comedian and wasn’t sure what to think.  My response started with that I wasn’t there so I don’t know all the facts of what happened.  The articles that I read made it sound like Aziz thought his date was interested in sex because of non-verbal cues.  When he reached out to her later, he learned that was not what she wanted. Her experience of the night was very different than his.  He had no idea that was her experience and he expressed feeling awful.  I have compassion for Aziz.  It’s hard to read non-verbals.  This is why we need to have the conversation.  There needs to be verbal consent. 

Why don’t we always have these conversations?  I have heard some say that it will ruin the mood.  Please (insert eye roll emoji).  I remember instances of having the conversation with potential partners.  They went something like “Do you want to have sex?  I think we should maybe have sex. Do you want to?” Then when the answer was yes, hallelujah was there excitement and those clothes could not come off fast enough.  If anything knowing with certainty that a partner does want to have sex increases the thrill because we KNOW it’s going to happen.  See, we don’t want to operate on assumptions. To quote a former colleague, we want “an Enthusiastic HELL YES!!!” If you want to take your sexual experience to the next level, ask what exactly what your partner wants to do sexually.  You never know unless you ask AND you could be pleasantly surprised to know something is on the table that you wouldn’t have thought of.

Finally, we are having conversations about consent.  Thank you Joe Biden for champion the Obama administration’s “It’s on us” campaign to end sexual assault on campus and in the workplace.  Bystander intervention and consent is often a part of new student orientation at college campuses.  I hope more high schools and middle schools are having similar dialogues.  I hope more parents are having conversation with their children about sex and respect.  Abstinence only education does not work.  Yes teach your children about values whether they are influenced by your spiritual beliefs or family morals.  But also, teach them the facts, how to stay safe, and what consent is.  Let them make their own informed decisions and let them know that whatever happens they can come talk to you. 

A lot has happened since my first time.  I’m no longer meeting guys at parties or at the bar for one.  My typical Friday night includes pizza and a movie at home on the couch with my husband and our dogs.  There may be a look exchanged or a smile.  Then, I’ll say to my husband “wanna make out?” He’ll scoot over and I’ll giggle.  Then suddenly Marvin Gaye’s song Let’s Get It On will start playing in my head…. 

This is the second in my series of blogs for Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. If you have been impacted by sexual violence and need support call the National Sexual Assault Hotline 800-656-HOPE (4673). If you are in San Diego, call the Center for Community Solutions 888-385-4657.